Balance Home and Work Through Effective Boundaries

Last week we discussed what boundaries are. This week we're going to dive deeper into how effective boundaries can help keep your work and home life balanced. We've all had times where our work and home lives seep into one another. This might be from staying late at the office, or from sneaking away to make phone calls during the work day. With many working from home now, this balance can get even trickier.

Why is it important to set boundaries?

Setting boundaries is how you take care of yourself. Boundaries keep you aligned with your values and allow you to show up in the fullest, safest, most comfortable “you” version of you that there can be. We’ve all been there, we know the feeling of when a boundary is violated and it doesn’t feel good. We feel heightened or “icky.” It can be difficult to concentrate, and it just doesn’t feel like we are being true to ourselves. When we abandon our boundaries, we abandon our needs. We give ourselves the implicit message that our needs and emotions matter less than other people’s needs and emotions. That we matter less than other people. Often, people who have been taught to think of others first, to be polite, or those who fear being rejected develop poor boundaries. But when we chronically neglect boundaries, we will inevitably resent others, and often will feel lost within ourselves.

What are some examples of boundaries at home?

Whether you work from home or not, an important work/home boundary is going to include work-time communication. Some people can check-in with their partner (or family) throughout the work day, some people can’t. Again, the “can’t” doesn’t refer to if you are physically able to, but rather if that is in line with your boundaries. Here are some examples of home boundaries:

• Physical Boundaries - what level of touching you are comfortable with, what level of touching you are comfortable with when other people are around, what are “shared” items and what are not, your privacy level, who you are comfortable having in your house, and being able to have uninterrupted alone time. Home physical boundaries are also in regard to your environment - the mess level, noise level, smells, decorations, etc.
• Boundary statement example: “I love when you are affectionate and give me kisses, but I would prefer if we kept that to when we are alone and don’t have guests over.”
• Boundary statement example: “It is important to me to have my own set work space. If you need something from my desk I would appreciate it if you asked me for it and I got it. I like it set up in a particular way.”

• Emotional Boundaries - telling your partner that you don’t have the space to have a big conversation after a tough day, having conflict conversations in a designated area so your “safe spaces” remain feeling safe, having uninterrupted (phone free!) date nights to feel connected with your partner
  

• Boundary statement example: “I had a really long day. It means so much to me to be there to support you but I just don’t have the energy right now. Can we revisit this conversation tonight after dinner?”

• Boundary statement example: “When we have a conversation I would like for the TV to be off or on mute. I feel most heard and appreciated when you are making eye contact with me when we talk.”

• Mental Boundaries - having a designated time and space for “hot button” topics, agreeing to do your own research to see someone else’s point of view, having a “safe word” so when you are feeling attacked or heightened you can take a break

• Boundary statement example: “I don’t have the energy to dive into a political discussion after work, can we save those talks for the weekend?”
• Boundary statement example: “I don’t feel informed on this topic. Can we talk about it again in a few days after I’ve had the opportunity to look into it?”
• Spiritual Boundaries - This will be catered to your specific spirituality. This might look like agreeing to not eat meat on Fridays as a family, or having separate morning routines so you can engage in your differing spiritual practices.
• Boundary statement example: “It’s important to me to start my day with meditation, can you make sure the kids are occupied during this time.”
• Boundary statement example: “Going to church on Sunday is important to me, please keep that in mind when making plans so I don’t feel I need to be choosing between going to church and spending time with you.”

What are some examples of boundaries at work?

Whether you work from home or not, an important work/home boundary is going to include the separation of work and home. This might mean a strict no checking your email policy once you leave the office (whether the office is the office or your home work area). Or your work/home life might need more flexible boundaries, like being available for clients after hours. If that is the case I would still suggest having boundaries like uninterrupted dinner, or only checking in for clients during a set time (ie: between 8-9pm). Other boundaries include:

• Physical Boundaries - the size of your personal bubble, what touching you are okay with (high fives, pats on the back, etc.), the boundaries with your items (food, files, your desk)
• Boundary statement example: “My personal space is important to me, I would be more comfortable with a bit more distance between us when we talk.” (and physically move yourself to show what you are comfortable with)
• Boundary statement example: “Please don’t go through the files on my desk. If you would like to see one, ask me about it.”
• Emotional Boundaries - telling your coworker that you do not want to have a conversation about their marital problems, telling your coworker or boss that the way they talked to you wasn’t okay, or standing up for yourself when someone is blaming you for something that is not warranted
• Boundary statement example: “I’m sorry you are having a hard day, but I need to be able to focus on my work right now. I'm not able to have this conversation with you right now.”
• Boundary statement example: “That is frustrating that we missed this deadline. This is the first I’m hearing of it, if you need me to pause other projects to hop on this one let me know and we can work something out. This is what I’m working on, let me know where I should pause and shift my focus: _________.”
• Mental Boundaries - this can be opting out of conversations you feel are violating your mental boundaries, stating your own opinions and thoughts, and asking to revisit a topic at a later time
• Boundary statement example: “I would prefer not to talk about this at work.”
• Boundary statement example: “I don’t agree, I have had a different experience with that.”
• Boundary statement example: “I enjoy our discussions but don’t feel well-versed on the topic. I’d love to hear what you have to say, but would prefer to do it after I’ve had a chance to do my own research.”
• Spiritual Boundaries - this will be catered to your specific spirituality, remember that work is not a place where you should need to defend your spiritual views.
• Boundary statement example: “This weekend is a spiritual holiday for me, I cannot cover extra work.”
• Boundary statement example: “This topic is not in line with my views, I do not want to feel like I need to defend my spiritual practice so I am going to opt out of this conversation.”

How do you know what your boundaries are?

Self-exploration, and often trial and error. Pay attention to yourself and your body. There are cues from ourselves that signal that something that is happening does not align with our beliefs and views. For many this is a physiological reaction such as a tight chest, clenched jaw or strained shoulders, or a heavy feeling in your stomach. Some part of your body is saying “Danger! I don’t like this.” Sometimes we aren’t really sure of our boundary until after it’s been violated. You can clarify your boundary with a statement like: “I know I’ve been okay with this in the past, but it just didn’t feel right to me. I’m not okay with it.”

What can you say when others encroach on your boundaries?

You need to call it out - gently. No one knows what your boundaries truly are until you have expressed them. Be outright and state what your boundary is or what you’re not okay with. Giving half-answers is not going to help you assert boundaries, you will just have to continually half-assert them. For example, if you do not want to talk about a topic - say, politics - if you say something like “Let’s talk about this later” you are inviting that person to try this conversation at a different time. If you say something like “I’m not comfortable talking about politics at work” you are giving the clear message that this is not something you want to talk about ever.

Boundaries can feel extra difficult for people pleasers to assert. The biggest thing I would tell those who are people pleasers is that it is not helpful to violate your boundaries for others. You might feel like you should say “yes” to keep up the connection in the relationship, but in reality when you are agreeing to things in spite of your boundaries, you are just harming the relationship. You are not being your authentic self, and you will end up with resentment. Having healthy boundaries actually strengthens relationships in the long term.

Setting boundaries can be tough! If setting and asserting boundaries is something you are working on, I would encourage you to set up a reward system for yourself. Especially if you are the kind of person who feels guilty about saying "no" or setting boundaries. This reward system will help remind you that you are making the right decision. You are deciding to honor yourself and your values. Take a moment after you have asserted your boundary to tell yourself "good job." This might feel silly at first, but giving yourself praise really can make a difference. If you have a friend who you know will be supportive of your boundary asserting, give them a quick text. ("Hey, I asked Jamie to stop borrowing my stapler without asking today. Successful boundary assertion!") Plan for a small (or big!) self-care activity when you've asserted a boundary. Anything from a special dinner to a walk around the block.

 Article by Sarah O'Leary