Trauma in Relationships: How to Be Aware and Supportive



A traumatic experience in your life can be a devastating event. Trauma will often have a serious emotional impact on how you emotionally attach to others. If left untreated, trauma can even resurface unexpectedly in many areas of your life. In my therapy work with couples I see that trauma, whether in a current relationship or from a past event, can cause blocks in how a couple bonds. Trauma might also leave a partner confused about how to repair the bond with their loved one.

The first step to repairing trauma is awareness. Below are different types of trauma and a brief description of how they may appear in relationships and/or affect secure attachments. Keep in mind that because discussing a traumatic experience opens an individual up to vulnerability, it is essential for the other partner in a relationship to respond in a supportive way to the trauma survivor when they talk about the trauma.

If you are the one sharing your vulnerable experience, you can gently coach your significant other on how you would like to be comforted. For example, you might say: “I just need to know you are here for me”, or “It means so much to me that you can listen and understand what I’ve been through”. If you are the partner listening in on the traumatic experience, you don’t need to “fix” the situation; being nonjudgmental and providing a safe environment may be more important to your partner than offering suggestions.

Everyone experiences trauma differently, and the symptoms/effects listed here are not exhaustive and they are described from an attachment perspective:
  1. Physical abuse (although physical abuse wounds may heal on the surface, emotional abuse almost always accompanies physical abuse and takes far longer to heal.): An abused partner may feel isolated, mistrusting, have anxiety, depression, feelings of low self-worth/self-esteem, have signs of PTSD related to the abuse, and may withdraw from future relationships because of trust issues. Physical abuse is NEVER acceptable in ANY relationship.
  2. Sexual abuse: May have similar symptoms of physical abuse, but also be accompanied by confused feelings of secure relationship attachments, and may view physical closeness as equivalent to emotional closeness.
  3. Emotional abuse (including acts of lying, cheating, hostile or attacking comments/language, or withholding important information that is detrimental to the relationship): Can cause an individual to withdraw from relationships as trust has been violated. Can be accompanied by depression, anxiety, low-self-esteem/self-worth, and difficulty maintaining secure attachment bonds as safety has been violated.
  4. A humiliating or deeply disappointing experience: Lack of trust and/or lack of feeling secure in the relationship.
  5. Neglect (especially as a child): Difficulty forming trust and secure attachment bonds.
  6. Serious accident or illness (including serious medical procedure): May cause strain on a relationship especially if view of self or role in the relationship has changed.
  7. Witness to domestic violence and/or community violence (including gang related violence): Much of the way we learn to form attachment bonds as adults have been learned through our experiences as children. What an individual has witnessed at home as a child (and developed feelings of safety/trust/mistrust) shapes the way we feel about connecting to others as adults.
  8. School violence (including bullying): There has been a lot of research in the media that points out how devastating bullying can be (and it takes on many social media forms as well)- in severe cases some teens have chosen suicide of a means of escape from the hopelessness and depression they have faced.
  9. Natural or manmade disasters: Traumatic events can challenge one’s sense of safety and security, and any loss can cause fear of attachment as the environment appears unstable.
  10. Forced displacement: Can also challenge one’s sense of safety and security, and any loss can cause fear of attachment as the environment appears unstable.
  11. War/terrorism/political violence (common outcome can be PTSD): Can bring up extreme inner fears and flashbacks that interfere with relationships and daily functioning.
  12. Victim/witness to extreme personal/interpersonal violence (includes homicide, suicide): Challenge’s individuals perception of safety and security, and can cause extreme grief and/or depression.
  13. Grief/separation (includes loss of a family member, friend, or end of a relationship): Challenges individuals perception of safety and security, and can cause extreme grief and/or depression.
  14. System-induced trauma (includes removal from a home as a child, foster placement): May cause difficulty in attachments/trust

(List adapted from Georgetown University Center for Child and Human Development online)

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