COVID Tips for Couples
COVID has changed our lives, and with the multiple added stressors, more time at home, and more time spent with our partner, many relationships are feeling the strain. Here are 5 tips for couples who are living together during COVID.
1. Don't Take Things Out on Each Other
This one sounds obvious, but it actually shows up in sneaky ways. We are spending more time than ever alone with our partners. With outside factors, and a lack of outlets, many people are attributing dissatisfaction or negative feelings to their partner. When you are feeling down more days than not and the one consistent factor is your partner, it can be easy to attribute those feelings to them (incorrectly, and subconsciously). So what should you do? Pause and take time to reflect. Are you missing your friends/social life? Are you engaging in self-care? Are you stressed from work? Pay attention to what's going on with you. When you don't pay attention, it's all too easy to take things out on your partner. When you do pay attention and can articulate what is affecting you, it can be a point of connection for you and your partner. It's more likely than not that you two are missing similar things and have some overlapping losses.
2. Watch the Critiquing - Instead Write Down What's Bothering You
Especially if you are both working from home, or one of you is, it can be so easy to throw little criticisms throughout the day at each other. Again, this is an example of the stress in your life seeping into your relationship. For example, imagine you just had a meeting with your boss that went poorly - your workload for the week just doubled (or depleted and you need the money!), and you get to the kitchen and your partner left the milk out. Not great but not the biggest deal, but because you are already heightened you might overreact. Your partner's reaction doesn't satisfy you, because it's not really about the milk, and now your partner is stressed out before going into a meeting of their own. Maybe the chain of criticism continues, or maybe it ends there, either way you are likely feeling disconnected. Instead, try writing down the things throughout the workday that bother you. BEFORE communicating this list with your partner, pause, reflect, and consider: after your partner's long work day do they need to know that they left a dirty spoon on the counter, didn't put the toilet paper roll on correctly, and you dislike the music they were playing earlier (that you could only hear when you left your home office anyway)? Or are some of these things not that important once you have had a chance to wind down? This tip really goes hand in hand with #1. As you write down what's bothering you throughout the day, try marking what else is going on in your day at that moment. If you are noticing that around noon there's always something your partner is doing "wrong" - it could just be that you are hungry and need a break at this time.
3. Have Alone Time
When your partner is one of your best friends, it an added bonus to have someone you can do things with. But you still need you time. If you have kids, try having your "me" time be at different points during the day so it can truly be unobstructed. This alone time can be in the house or not - maybe you want to go read on the beach for 30 minutes! This alone time gives you a chance to focus on you, as well as unwind, ground yourself, and destress from everything that is going on. Respect your partner's (and your own!) alone time - that means no asking (or texting to "read later") whatever is on your mind. If something comes up, write it down and discuss it later. It's not really alone time if you are asking for their time and attention.
4. Try To Be Understanding About How They Are Handling COVID
It's okay to not be okay... and it's okay to be okay! It can be hard when one partner is stressing and worried about COVID and everything going on in the world, while the other partner is taking things lightly. You are not always going to see eye-to-eye, no one could have thought to prepare for and discuss the differences they may face in handling a pandemic. Be understanding with where your partner is coming from, even if you don't agree. This is a great time to flex your active listening skills! Keep eye contact, give comfort, and repeat back to your partner what you are hearing them say to make sure you're getting it right. Try to get underneath the surface level to hear the deeper meaning. For example, if your partner is being incredibly cautious with COVID, there is a good chance a part of it is from the fear of losing a loved one. Don't challenge this thought, but rather respond to the underlying message ("It sounds like you are worried about the wellbeing of your loved ones. I know how much your family and friends mean to you so it makes sense that you would worry about them. I love how compassionate you are.")
5. Have Fun!
These days, that might mean more creativity in figuring out how to bring your favourite activities to your home, or try something new. Being in the same place all day every day can make it feel like groundhog day. Break things up by trying something new with your partner. Try a virtual cooking class, dance class, or paint night (Eventbrite.com has plenty of cheap or free ones!). Put on a live stream of a band or artist you love through YouTube and dance the night away. Have a picnic in your living room or outside, complete with blanket on the floor. Or set up a game night alone or with friends - card games, video games, virtual games like JackBox... whatever it is, give yourself a chance to be silly and connect.
Article by Sarah O'Leary
