What Are Boundaries?
What are boundaries?
Boundaries can be thought of as where you feel safe, your values are upheld, and you’re saying “Hey, I’m good in here, this is where I’m comfortable.” Boundaries are where the outside world ends and you begin. When you have healthy boundaries, you keep yourself in your comfortable area where you can show up for yourself, interact with others, take chances, and feel confident in your decisions. Boundaries are flexible and changing. They will be different in different situations, with different people, and on different days. Boundaries can be too rigid, with no flexibility. This might look like saying “no” to a weekday outing that you want to attend because you’ve given yourself a strict “socializing is for the weekends” policy. And boundaries can be too open, this is probably what most people think of when they hear “poor boundaries.” This means you overextend yourself and prioritize the wants, needs, and values of others above your own. This could be saying “yes” to a project that you realistically don’t have time for, taking care of a friend’s pet that you didn’t really want to, or agreeing to something that doesn’t align with your values. Remember: just because you have free time doesn’t mean you are available.
What kinds of boundaries are there?
There are physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual boundaries.
Physical Boundaries
Physical Boundaries are a little more tangible and easier to conceptualize. Physical boundaries include the level of physical interaction you are comfortable with - touching, hugging, kissing, hand shakes, etc. As well as the size of your personal space bubble. Physical boundaries also include your belongings, for example if someone borrows your tools without asking or goes through your files. Physical boundaries are also environments you are or are not comfortable with. You might not be comfortable being indoors with non-household members during COVID; or you might not enjoy the beach, park, mall, etc. So your personal time limit for being in that space might be short.
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional Boundaries get a little trickier, and sometimes we don’t even outright notice when they are being violated. Usually, however, when your emotional boundary is being pushed you’ll get a physiological feeling. This is your body telling you that you’re not comfortable with something. Emotional boundaries include not holding other people’s emotions as your own. That means, if your friend is sad, while you are there to support them, you don’t take that sadness on as your own. This is also taking blame in situations where it is unwarranted - like apologizing and taking responsibility for something that isn’t yours. For example, your boss is upset that task X isn’t done even though they never told you about it. In turn, you feel upset and tell yourself that you will “make up for it” even though there is nothing to make up for. What happened was you took on your boss’s emotions and took responsibility when it wasn’t warranted.
Mental Boundaries
Mental Boundaries include sharing or discussing ideas, views, and thoughts that might not be in alignment with your own. Talking about politics is a pretty understandable way to think of this one, where differing opinions turn into personal attacks. You won’t always have the same opinion as someone else (even your partner or best friend). How you handle these interactions with differing opinions is what matters. If you are met with aggression, belittling, or name calling when you express your own thoughts and opinions, it is likely time to set up that boundary of “I don’t want to have this discussion with you.” This can be especially important to keep in mind at work where the views and values are more often different than in your home and personal life.
Spiritual Boundaries
Spiritual Boundaries have to do with your own spiritual practice. This can mean religion and adhering to the guidelines (ie: going to church or not eating meat). This is also your daily/weekly/monthly spiritual practice. For example, meditation, yoga, or nature walks can all be spiritual practices. A violation of spiritual boundaries might be agreeing to work on a day that is holy to you. Remember what you believe is personal to you, a violation of spiritual boundaries can also be someone telling you what you believe based on an identifying factor. For example, someone telling you you are not a “good Muslim” or “good Jew” for not believing or practicing an aspect of the traditional religious practice of your denomination.
