Creating a Strong Relationship Foundation: Steps to keep the structure strong

As we all probably know, houses are built on a strong foundation, with a structure built on top of it. Buildings stand tall and maintain structure through the stress of natural events of mother earth. Without the foundation, a house will fall, lose it shape, and basically be useless. This concept is the same for couples. Relationships need a strong foundation while going through the natural stressors, such as financial tension, disagreements, external pressures, etc. Foundations need to be strong, without cracks, and with a solid and secure area. Take a look at your relationship foundation. Is your structure built on a solid connection, or is it uneven, cracking, and falling apart? Focus on rebuilding your relationship through connection, trust, and communication.

Here are a few things that can help build a strong foundation in your relationship:

Tighten up the connection: House structures aren’t held together through tape, nor should a relationship. Tighten up the connection through showing your partner that you are there, connecting, hugging, kissing, and showing affection. Greet your partner with a kiss, leave with hug, say hi with a touch, etc.

Strengthen the Trust: Show your partner that you are trustworthy and that you also are willing to trust. You might not be able to change your partner, but you can influence them by your behavior. Take a look at the message you send to your partner about how much you trust them, along with your behaviors being trustworthy.

Communicate your side: Don’t just talk, communicate. Talking gets us no-where. But communicating is about letting your partner see the underlying stuff, the real stuff. Why not step out and show your partner what is really going on. Learn to detect your reactions and slow them down. Get to know what you feel, and then share it with your partner in a more productive way.

Looking for Marriage Therapy in San Diego, Jennine E. Estes provides individual and couples therapy. She helps couples build healthy communication and improve how they handle conflict.

Visit Jennine’s main Relationship Column called Relationships in the Raw. Here you will find more relationship advice and tips.

Do you have a secret? Something that no one else knows about, but it helps you get through the day...yet hurts you too? You aren't alone...

Creating a Successful New Year’s Resolutions that lasts!

Creating a New Year’s Resolutions is to help people improve life; such as losing weight, decreasing spending, improving health, creating stronger business, etc. A frequent problem is that people start off strong; working diligently day in and day out, and have it as an extreme focus. It lasts for a good few days or months, but quickly dwindles down to nothing. This is the “Yo-Yo Resolution;” starting from one extreme (all-in) to the other extreme (all-out).

A popular resolution is dieting: healthy eating becomes an extreme, rigid eating habits and workout routines. The workouts go from once a month to 5 times a week. The body goes into shell shock because of drastic change. The extremes actually cause an opposite effect and ultimately only lasts a temporary. Instead of creating a “yo-yo New Years Resolution,” create a long term change and make it a life style change without the extremes. Make it less rigid so you won’t jump ship.

If you live in San Diego and want help making a long term life style change, schedule a therapy appointment today.

Sexually or Emotionally: Two different languages of connecting (San Diego Therapy)

No matter how good the communication is in a relationship, it might not be all that makes the relationship function. One of the strongest and most valuable aspects in a relationship is the feeling securely attached to your partner. A secure attachment gives comfort, creates a sense of security, and provides closeness. There are two ways people feel connected and attached to their partner: sexual/physically or emotionally.

Let’s take a look at the emotionally and physically connecting partners:
Emotionally Connecting Partner: This partner often feels comforted and attached to their partner by connecting through lengthy conversations, small-talk throughout the day, sending text messages and IM’s, being involved in activities together, and spending time focused on one another. The acts of doing and talking together can create a sense of closeness and more secure of an attachment.

Physically Connecting Partner: This partner often feels comfort and attached to their partner by having hugs from their partner, small kisses throughout the day, frequent sexual connections, and time sitting next to one another while focused on other items. This type of attachment may have little to do with verbal communication…and more to do with physical interactions….and they possibly might even enjoy solitude once in a while to rejuvenate and be more available for their partner.

With two different attachment styles, it might feel as if your partner doesn’t care when they aren’t connecting in the way you like it. The emotionally connecting partner might pursue for the attention and to create an attachment; however, it might feel like smothering. Or the physically connecting partner might appear as if they don’t care about what their partner is saying and only wants to connect physically. Basically, both styles have great ways to connecting, yet it might send the wrong message.

Take a look at you and your partner’s connecting styles. Try to notice how your partner tries to connect with you in their style. Make an effort to connect with your partner in their connecting language. And don’t forget to express your needs lovingly to your partner and share how you would like to connect.

Another Article that might be helpful: Increasing Intimacy with your Partner

The “Don’t wait…” Relationship Tip (San Diego Couples Therapy)

Often people don’t express how they feel about someone…and wait until a terminal illness or accident. Family and friends come together tight and express their love when tragedy hits. Relationships unite and love is expressed. But why does it take a tragedy to hit in order to share how you feel?

Share your love for your partner, family, and friends now… don’t wait. Live today as if you won’t see people tomorrow…especially in your relationship.

Married to a Sex Addict: Steps to Take back your life

Many people may jokingly toss around the word “sex addict” as a way to say that they really really really enjoy sex. True addiction is nothing to joke about, and sexual addiction can ruin marriages and lives. In Sexual addiction, the sexual behaviors become problematic and extreme within the relationship or for the individual. Sexual addiction can involve compulsive behaviors, such as the use internet pornography, online chat rooms, one night stands, massage parlors, fetishes, fantasy/role playing, compulsive money spending, and more.

There are hundreds of people out there suffering… married or committed to a partner struggling with a sexual addition. It can be a lonely place…with no one to talk to, a fear of others judging, or a feelings of shame about the relationship. Sex addicts often live “two lives”: the life that everyone sees is the active husband, the hard worker, the interactive father, and church-going man. However, the other life…the not talked about, has a dark and secretive side. The side that no-one sees, the side you might see once in a while, and worried about, thinking about, and fearful about when the next acting out behavior will be. If this is something you are living with…you aren’t alone.

Here are a few tips on getting your life back on track when in a relationship with a sex addict:
1. Remember, it has nothing to do with you! Being involved with a partner suffering with sexual addiction causes an emotional rollercoaster for the partner. You might feel ashamed or demoralized. You may have difficulty trusting and fear for the relationship. A common feeling for those in the relationship is feeling responsible, not good enough, and self evaluating. Asking “What is wrong with me? Am I not good enough for my partner?” Once again, it has nothing to do with you!

2. Seek professional help: Addiction is addiction. Start couples therapy to help learn how to build a healthier relationship and recover together. Individual counseling might help for you to decide what you want…and then stick to it. Also, get educated about what you can and cannot do to rebuild the relationship. Dr. Patrick Carnes is a prolific author who gives great advice for both the partner and for the addict.

3. Rebuild Sexuality: Learn what is healthy sex. Sex experiences can be extremely skewed when having an intimate relationship with someone who suffers from a sexual addiction. If you have become indoctrinated into sexual roles which seems abnormal, re-educate yourself as to your needs and desires.

4. Get educated on sexual addiction. There are many books on sexual addiction and how to handle having a partner with sexual addition. (Check out my sexual addiction resources page for specific tools to help you take back your life).

5. Set boundaries and follow through. Sex addicts have difficulty setting healthy boundaries. Teach your partner what is acceptable in the relationship and what is not. Then, it is your job to keep strong to what you say and follow through.

Relationships after Iraq: Keeping the War out of your Relationship

Military relationships often come with extra strains; frequent good-byes, unexpected moves, endless waiting lists for housing, and the fearful, yet honoring deployments to defend the country by going to war.

Fighting for our country is courageous and rewarding, yet life changing. Those who go to war face a tremendous about of trauma; they see things more devastating than others can ever imagine, fear most of us can’t ever understand, and the untold horror of losing friends to war.

The partners left behind face their own troubled times when a solder is at war. The fear of losing a partner, to the anxiety from wondering if their ok; from loneliness because of no contact, to the pain of seeing friends enjoying their loved ones can all cause a slow buildup of stress and resentment.

Finally… good news…he is back at home, away from Iraq…but also bad news…things just don’t seem to be the same.


I will walk you through a few quick tips on how to keep Iraq from controlling your relationship when you are finally able to enjoy the companionship of your partner.

When in combat, the body goes into “survival mode”…disconnecting from emotion and “auto-pilot” kicks in…fighting to stay alive. He or she might have dreams that haunt them, feelings of anxiety and irritability at night, flash backs, feelings of remorse and guilt, etc. Some of these symptoms are known as PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), a frequent diagnosis for trauma survivors, such as that seen in veterans returning from war. Get educated on PTSD and the impact it has on your partner. The more education, the better understanding you will have. It might keep you from personalizing his seemingly distant or disconnected behaviors.

You might want to be there for your partner, support him or her, and help them through the recovery phase, but he or she might not be ready to talk about what happened, or know how to talk about. Don’t push or pull them into talking about it. Give them time. Their time frame might be very different than yours. Give your partner as much time as he needs.

In the past she or he might have been your rock, but now things have changed. It is your turn to be the rock and give support. Battle is complete chaos. Your partner needs to be able to lean on you and depend on your stability. Help your partner stand and get through this recovery.

The after math of returning to home and getting into the routine of American life can cause those buried emotions to come out…or should I say “attempt” to come out. The body naturally wants to release the emotion, and if it can’t come out in a healthy way, it will find its own way out. Some of the ways it might come out is through anger out-bursts, night mares, etc. Or those emotions come up all at once and become too painful, therefore your partner resorting to “self-medicating” behaviors such as increase drinking, drug use, or emotionally distancing. Does any of this sound familiar?

All of these unhealthy behaviors are indicators of emotional distress coming out. While this is not an excuse for his behavior, it can help you understand your partner better. S/He has seen something more devastating than you can ever imagine. Seek professional help before things get worse. Make an appointment for couples therapist, encourage him to get help through support groups, medication, 12-step groups, and/or individual counseling.

War is an experience that is life changing. Learn that s/he won’t be back to the old ways, but you can cherish and love who your partner is now and adjust to the new person. Often we might wish for the “old” relationship. But that is unrealistic. Remember...the relationship can’t go back, but it can go forward.

Increase your Intimacy

Intimacy isn't just sex, it is the time spent together.

Make a date together and spend a day in bed with your partner.

Watch movies, have candles lit, eat breakfast/lunch/dinner in bed, and connect. Focus one day on your relationship and you will notice a difference in your connection.

If you would like to increase your romance, visit my Relationship site to schedule an appointment.

From Single to Hitched: Tips to help make the adjustment to the marriage

Remember the days when you were free to spend your money and time in whatever way you wanted. You could buy as many shoes, purses, or outfits without having to check in with anyone. You could go out all hours of the night, be spontaneous, and hang out with your friends any day of the week. Those were the days where freedom was your choice and your time frame fit your life style….no one elses. Single days allowed you to make single decisions.

Things have drastically changed….from single to hitched. Life now requires a huge adjustment for the independent lady. Choices are now made as a team.

Being hitched can be satisfying and comforting. Great to have a partner, but a new requirement to make a mental shift, a life style change, and a different type of independence. The adjustment from total “I” thinking… “What do I want to do, where do I want to go, what do I need in my day, and how do I want to spend my money?” To a relationship with “we” thinking… “What do we want for dinner, how are we going to spend our money, how do we want to decorate.” Does this sound familiar?

Hold tight…the adjustment might take time. Life used to be all about you…and with little compromise. Now, a new world of compromise has entered. With a little work, however, you can have your cake and eat it too.

Here are a few tips that can help you adjust to the couple-hood lifestyle:

1. Learn how to compromise. Determine what is important to you and what isn’t. Find a middle ground. Not everything needs to be your way. Pick and choose what matters and find a happy medium. If you like things one way, evaluate and see if it is a “must have” or simply a “would like.” Pick your battles.

2. Find a balance. Find a balance in social life and partner life. It is ok to have “fun” time alone with your friends, but remember to have “fun” time with your partner as well.

3. Work as a Team. When times get rough open up a dialogue with your partner and problem solve as a team, instead of waiting and butting heads when it becomes a bigger issue.

4. Talk, talk, talk. Don’t forget to talk with your partner on his expectations and his needs. Also be sure to communicate your needs and desires.

5. Create a strategy plan with finances. If you are used to specific spending habit, discuss your expectations, needs, and wants; then create a budget where you both feel on the same page. Finances don’t have to end in war.

6. Shift your thoughts. Create a new habit of “we” thinking and schedule in the “we” times and the “me” times. Take a look….which one out weighs the other? If you are noticing that “me” times are more often than “we” times, it might be time to readjust your schedule. The “we” times are significant for connecting in the relationship, however, “me” times are also important.

7. Work with your schedule. Make lunch dates with your friends so you can continue to be social, yet have time for your relationship still at night. Marriage is not independence, but it also shouldn’t be a jail. Shift your priority and keep your marriage first, friendships and work second (yet still a priority!).

8. Set boundaries with the “work you.” You may work to make money and succeed, but it might feel to your partner as if you don’t care. Actions speak louder than words. Show your partner with action and spend time with them. Set boundaries with work. Show partner he is first, while you also have work priorities that need to be included.

If this was helpful, you might also like my article about Improve Intimacy.

Quick Tips to Decrease Your Jealous Streak in your Relationship

Jealousy can be extremely healthy in a relationship …Yes, you read it right…Jealousy can be extremely healthy in a relationship. The emotion we call jealousy is one of the ways you react to, and show, how important your partner is, express your fear of losing the relationship, or convey the love you have for your partner. It is a natural way of your body confirming the emotional connection and make sure they are still there and haven’t left. These feelings in small doses can be healthy in the relationship.

As you probably know, jealousy can also become fatal to a relationship, destroying it. We’ve all heard of that “jealous ex” whose constant paranoia ruined the relationship. Jealousy can become a trap in relationships by creating an un-healthy downward spiral. When jealousy takes over, arguments arise, and the emotion triggers what you have been trying to avoid…someone ends up leaving.
Here are a few quick tips on decreasing your jealous streak and preventing a relationship disaster:

1. Take inventory: Usually jealousy comes for a reason, often because of a history of being cheated on. Or other times it goes further than that; there may be a history of feeling not wanted or abandoned. Living in a family where you don’t feel wanted or have felt abandoned can send the message that “in relationships, people leave.” Take a deep look and check out the inventory of your relationships you have had in life and see what comes up.


2. Take a look at your reactions: Once you have looked at your inventory, now take a look at how you react. Does your “Hot-woman-in-the-room Radar” go on when you are out with your man? Do you get clingy when your partner is simply hanging out with his buddies? Do you start the investigative questions when he is late? Jealousy comes with good intentions; to keep your partner from leaving. The problem here is that jealous reactions can actually push your partner further and further away.

3. Slow it down: If you step out of the situation and take a deep look at yourself, you probably see that your reactions aren’t appropriate. But in the moment, once emotion gets involved, reactions get triggered quickly and all those thoughts go away. Emotion is impulsive and quick. Your job is to slow it down. Go for a walk, go and write about your emotions, do whatever you have to do to calm your nerves. The slower you get your emotions, the quicker you can understand how to get your partner to pull closer to you, rather than push them away.

4. Get what you want: Now that you are watching your reactions, slowing them down, and taking an inventory, it is now time to get what you want. Ultimately those feelings come up for a reason, so your job is to now try a different way of expressing it to your partner BEFORE you let the jealous feelings take control. Don’t wait for a reason to talk about the jealousy. Bring the issue up in a way that will pull your partner in, not push them away. Tell your partner about your fears of them leaving and that is why you continue to pull at them. Open up the core emotion of fear; tell them you are simply afraid. Collaborate with your partner and ask them to help you figure out how to handle it.

If you are struggling with trust in your jealous streak, click here to learn more about building trust in your relationship.